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    w. c. fields Quotes

    I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: die 
     
    Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: death 
     
    It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: women 
     
    Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: living  lies 
     
    I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
    — W. C. Fields
    Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: hell 
     
    No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: women  doubt  questions 
     
    It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: funny  world 
     
    Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
    — W. C. Fields
    I drink therefore I am.
    — W. C. Fields
    Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: women  standard 
     
    We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: death  people  dying  die  water  drinking 
     
    The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: cat 
     
    There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: children  child 
     
    A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: men  poor  money 
     
    Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: people 
     
    The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: sleep 
     
    My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: ambition  water 
     
    You can fool some of the people some of the time - and that's enough to make a decent living.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: time  people  living  decent  fools 
     
    It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
    — W. C. Fields
    Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
    — W. C. Fields
    Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
    — W. C. Fields
    If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
    — W. C. Fields
    Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: people  sex 
     
    Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: smile 
     
    If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: fools 
     
    Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: believe 
     
    The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: wife 
     
    I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: women  wild  alcohol  money  gambling 
     
    I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: food 
     
    Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: sex 
     
    I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: prison  father 
     
    My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: illness  doctor 
     
    The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: people  comedy  water 
     
    In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: people  experience  gone  year 
     
    Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: live  food  water  africa 
     
    Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
    — W. C. Fields
    A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
    — W. C. Fields
    tags: women 
     
    I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
    — W. C. Fields
    First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
    — W. C. Fields
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