If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
So, do you live around here often?
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.