steven wright Quotes

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
— Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
— Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
tags: care missing
— Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
tags: time right
— Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
— Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?
tags: live
— Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
— Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
— Steven Wright
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
— Steven Wright
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
tags: body die fiction
— Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
tags: time thoughts age year
— Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
tags: time
— Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
tags: wrong games company
— Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
tags: self service help
— Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
tags: complex
— Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
tags: thoughts worth
— Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
tags: sacrifice die year
— Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
tags: memory conscience bad
— Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
tags: men women
— Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
tags: live forever
— Steven Wright
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
tags: help universe
— Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
tags: right
— Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
tags: fight
— Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
tags: world
— Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
— Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
tags: time thoughts
— Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
tags: lost mind
— Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
tags: live
— Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
tags: people ideas research
— Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
tags: people
— Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
— Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
tags: ideas
— Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
tags: past memory
— Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
tags: night
— Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...
tags: suicide writing
— Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
tags: star hell night lying
— Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
tags: future
— Steven Wright
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
— Steven Wright
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
— Steven Wright
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
— Steven Wright
steven wright
Birth    : December 6, 1955
Occupation  : Comedian