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    steven wright Quotes

    If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
    — Steven Wright
    I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
    — Steven Wright
    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: care  missing 
     
    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: time  right 
     
    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
    — Steven Wright
    So, do you live around here often?
    — Steven Wright
    tags: live 
     
    The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
    — Steven Wright
    It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
    — Steven Wright
    I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
    — Steven Wright
    When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: body  die  fiction 
     
    When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: time  thoughts  age  year 
     
    Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: time 
     
    I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: wrong  games  company 
     
    I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: self  service  help 
     
    I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: complex 
     
    If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: thoughts  worth 
     
    Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: sacrifice  die  year 
     
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: memory  conscience  bad 
     
    If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
    — Steven Wright
    tags: men  women 
     
    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: live  forever 
     
    They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: help  universe 
     
    They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: right 
     
    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: fight 
     
    I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: world 
     
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    — Steven Wright
    It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: time  thoughts 
     
    I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: lost  mind 
     
    You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: live 
     
    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: people  ideas  research 
     
    If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
    — Steven Wright
    tags: people 
     
    I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
    — Steven Wright
    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
    — Steven Wright
    tags: ideas 
     
    Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: past  memory 
     
    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: night 
     
    I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...
    — Steven Wright
    tags: suicide  writing 
     
    The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
    — Steven Wright
    tags: star  hell  night  lying 
     
    I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
    — Steven Wright
    tags: future 
     
    What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
    — Steven Wright
    I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
    — Steven Wright
    I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
    — Steven Wright
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    steven wright
    Birth    : December 6, 1955
    Occupation  : Comedian