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    rodney dangerfield Quotes

    I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: dog 
     
    I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: men  age  wife 
     
    I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: drugs 
     
    I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: respect 
     
    I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: people 
     
    My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: wife  year 
     
    I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: men  reading  library  kids 
     
    Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: men  age  girls  money 
     
    I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: father  kids 
     
    I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: gambling 
     
    You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: drinking  doctor 
     
    A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: girls 
     
    I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: night  girls 
     
    I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: right  afraid 
     
    When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: parent  kids 
     
    My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: gay 
     
    He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: bad 
     
    I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: depression  comedy 
     
    My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: sex  wife 
     
    Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: dog 
     
    Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: time  emotion 
     
    I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: respect  luck  running 
     
    The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: body  fiction 
     
    A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: wishes 
     
    What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: doctor 
     
    When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: company 
     
    I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: money  wife 
     
    For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: eyes  christmas  son  year 
     
    My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: problem 
     
    I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: time  girls 
     
    My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: fighting  sex  money  wife 
     
    Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
    — Rodney Dangerfield
    tags: book 
     
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    rodney dangerfield
    Birth    : November 22, 1921
    Death  : October 5, 2004
    Occupation  : Comedian