rodney dangerfield Quotes

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
tags: dog
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
tags: men age wife
— Rodney Dangerfield
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
tags: drugs
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
tags: respect
— Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
tags: people
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
tags: wife year
— Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
tags: men reading library kids
— Rodney Dangerfield
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
tags: men age girls money
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
tags: father kids
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
tags: gambling
— Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
tags: drinking doctor
— Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
tags: girls
— Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
tags: night girls
— Rodney Dangerfield
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
tags: right afraid
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
tags: parent kids
— Rodney Dangerfield
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
tags: gay
— Rodney Dangerfield
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
tags: bad
— Rodney Dangerfield
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
tags: depression comedy
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
tags: sex wife
— Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
tags: dog
— Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
tags: time emotion
— Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
tags: respect luck running
— Rodney Dangerfield
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
tags: body fiction
— Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
tags: wishes
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
tags: doctor
— Rodney Dangerfield
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
tags: company
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
tags: money wife
— Rodney Dangerfield
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
tags: eyes christmas son year
— Rodney Dangerfield
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
tags: problem
— Rodney Dangerfield
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
tags: time girls
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
tags: fighting sex money wife
— Rodney Dangerfield
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
— Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
tags: book
— Rodney Dangerfield