I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.