I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
In 'The Secret Agent,' it's basically a character that was admired by Theodore Kaczynski, which is some fan mail you don't really want to open. This is a man who is a chemist and who specializes in making bombs and despises humanity.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.
I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.
I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.
If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.
You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.
There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
In America they really do mythologise people when they die.