My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.