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    rita rudner Quotes

    My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
    tags: mother
    — Rita Rudner
    I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    tags: men pain marriage
    — Rita Rudner
    Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
    tags: children men child
    — Rita Rudner
    Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
    tags: mother
    — Rita Rudner
    Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
    tags: time women thoughts bad
    — Rita Rudner
    I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
    tags: people facts authority
    — Rita Rudner
    You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
    tags: people body
    — Rita Rudner
    Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
    tags: independence
    — Rita Rudner
    While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
    tags: internet
    — Rita Rudner
    I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
    tags: children health fun child parent kids
    — Rita Rudner
    I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
    tags: thoughts comedy logic real writing
    — Rita Rudner
    I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
    — Rita Rudner
    If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
    tags: people attention
    — Rita Rudner
    On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
    — Rita Rudner
    I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
    tags: energy worries
    — Rita Rudner
    I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
    tags: live night
    — Rita Rudner
    I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
    tags: people
    — Rita Rudner
    Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.
    tags: personality
    — Rita Rudner
    Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
    tags: timing advantage
    — Rita Rudner
    I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.
    tags: comedy process learning
    — Rita Rudner
    My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
    tags: mother
    — Rita Rudner
    Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
    tags: men women sexual god
    — Rita Rudner
    My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take
    tags: parent
    — Rita Rudner
    How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
    tags: water
    — Rita Rudner
    The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
    tags: men marry
    — Rita Rudner
    I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
    tags: respect
    — Rita Rudner
    We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
    tags: dog
    — Rita Rudner
    I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
    tags: bad relationship
    — Rita Rudner
    If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
    tags: sleep help relationship
    — Rita Rudner
    To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
    tags: men
    — Rita Rudner
    My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
    tags: age worth
    — Rita Rudner
    You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
    — Rita Rudner
    A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
    — Rita Rudner
    Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
    tags: men book mother
    — Rita Rudner
    I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
    — Rita Rudner
    Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
    tags: horror
    — Rita Rudner
    I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
    tags: read fiction
    — Rita Rudner
    In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
    tags: girls school
    — Rita Rudner
    My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
    tags: women
    — Rita Rudner
    My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
    tags: time sorrow mother
    — Rita Rudner
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    rita rudner
    Birth    : September 17, 1953
    Occupation  : Comedian