•   Loading... Please wait
  • Search
      Authors  

    phyllis diller Quotes

    I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
    — Phyllis Diller
    You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
    — Phyllis Diller
    Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
    — Phyllis Diller
    I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
    — Phyllis Diller
    The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
    — Phyllis Diller
    Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: time  past  present  christmas 
     
    In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: year 
     
    Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: time  dog 
     
    Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
    — Phyllis Diller
    Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: heart  sex  doctor 
     
    To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
    — Phyllis Diller
    I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: year 
     
    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: true 
     
    You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
    — Phyllis Diller
    My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: thoughts  bad  kids 
     
    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: kids 
     
    I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: food 
     
    You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: blood 
     
    The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: women  football 
     
    You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: compliment 
     
    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: fight 
     
    I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: beauty 
     
    I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: children  child 
     
    I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: people 
     
    Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: children  time  child  parent 
     
    Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: money 
     
    I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: beauty  year 
     
    Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
    — Phyllis Diller
    When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
    — Phyllis Diller
    A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: mistakes 
     
    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: beauty  men  age  marry 
     
    Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: children  child 
     
    Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
    — Phyllis Diller
    Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: health 
     
    I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: age 
     
    We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: live  teaching 
     
    I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: world  doctor 
     
    When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: time  hell  kiss  year 
     
    I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
    — Phyllis Diller
    We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
    — Phyllis Diller
    tags: fire 
     
  •   Loading... Please wait
  • Search

    Related Authors