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    paul merton Quotes

    I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.
    — Paul Merton
    My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'
    — Paul Merton
    tags: work  giving  job 
     
    If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: laughter  people  work 
     
    When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: funny 
     
    I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.
    — Paul Merton
    I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.
    — Paul Merton
    I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.
    — Paul Merton
    Have you ever had sex with a horse?
    — Paul Merton
    tags: sex 
     
    When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.
    — Paul Merton
    I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: fashion  victim 
     
    It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.
    — Paul Merton
    I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?
    — Paul Merton
    tags: nature  funny  comedy  age 
     
    I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.
    — Paul Merton
    Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: people  world 
     
    When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.
    — Paul Merton
    I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: afraid 
     
    If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: toilet 
     
    It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: people  friends  young 
     
    My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: past  misery  school  year 
     
    In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.
    — Paul Merton
    I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
    — Paul Merton
    tags: dentist  victim 
     
    At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'
    — Paul Merton
    tags: heart  murder  night 
     
    When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: work  service 
     
    The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: people  listening 
     
    I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.
    — Paul Merton
    And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: friends 
     
    Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.
    — Paul Merton
    All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.
    — Paul Merton
    tags: talent 
     
    In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.
    — Paul Merton
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