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    milton berle Quotes

    You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: believe  fun 
     
    The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
    — Milton Berle
    tags: success 
     
    When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
    — Milton Berle
    You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
    — Milton Berle
    tags: travel  laughter 
     
    Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: funny 
     
    I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
    — Milton Berle
    There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: funny 
     
    People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: people  star  facts 
     
    Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: work  thoughts 
     
    They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: mistakes  computer 
     
    I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
    — Milton Berle
    tags: children  sleep  right  child  parent  kids 
     
    Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: happiness  help  money 
     
    I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
    — Milton Berle
    tags: work  doubt  evolution  mother 
     
    I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: star 
     
    I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: live 
     
    For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
    — Milton Berle
    You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: men  congress 
     
    They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: mistakes  computer 
     
    Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: men 
     
    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: wrong  wife 
     
    We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
    — Milton Berle
    A thing of beauty is a job forever.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: beauty  forever  job 
     
    Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: marriage  wife 
     
    Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: people  die 
     
    Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: men  marriage  wife 
     
    Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
    — Milton Berle
    My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: heart  wife 
     
    Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
    — Milton Berle
    tags: human 
     
    Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
    — Milton Berle
    tags: time  gift  year 
     
    The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: time  women  problem  book  read  library 
     
    My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
    — Milton Berle
    Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: america 
     
    Laughter is an instant vacation.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: laughter 
     
    My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: son 
     
    My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
    — Milton Berle
    tags: music  wife 
     
    I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: personal  mind  hope  insult 
     
    Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs-is that a promise or a threat?
    — Milton Berle
    tags: future 
     
    It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
    — Milton Berle
    tags: school  kids 
     
    I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: sleep  dreams  afraid 
     
    One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
    — Milton Berle
    tags: death  problem  money  year 
     
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    milton berle
    Birth    : July 12, 1908
    Death  : March 27, 2002
    Occupation  : Comedian