You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.
The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs-is that a promise or a threat?
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.