milton berle Quotes

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.
tags: believe fun
— Milton Berle
The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
tags: success
— Milton Berle
When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
tags: opportunities
— Milton Berle
You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
tags: travel laughter
— Milton Berle
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
tags: funny
— Milton Berle
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
— Milton Berle
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
tags: funny
— Milton Berle
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
tags: people star facts
— Milton Berle
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
tags: work thoughts
— Milton Berle
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
tags: mistakes computer
— Milton Berle
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
tags: children sleep right child parent kids
— Milton Berle
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
tags: happiness help money
— Milton Berle
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
tags: work doubt evolution mother
— Milton Berle
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
tags: star
— Milton Berle
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
tags: live
— Milton Berle
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
— Milton Berle
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
tags: men congress
— Milton Berle
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
tags: mistakes computer
— Milton Berle
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
tags: men
— Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
tags: wrong wife
— Milton Berle
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
— Milton Berle
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
tags: beauty forever job
— Milton Berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
tags: marriage wife
— Milton Berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
tags: people die
— Milton Berle
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
tags: men marriage wife
— Milton Berle
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
— Milton Berle
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
tags: heart wife
— Milton Berle
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
tags: human
— Milton Berle
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
tags: time gift year
— Milton Berle
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
tags: time women problem book read library
— Milton Berle
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
tags: understanding wife
— Milton Berle
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
tags: america
— Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation.
tags: laughter
— Milton Berle
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
tags: son
— Milton Berle
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
tags: music wife
— Milton Berle
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
tags: personal mind hope insult
— Milton Berle
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs-is that a promise or a threat?
tags: future
— Milton Berle
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
tags: school kids
— Milton Berle
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
tags: sleep dreams afraid
— Milton Berle
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
tags: death problem money year
— Milton Berle