However, what lingered in my mind was that one person's dissatisfaction. We tend to notice what's wrong rather than what's right.
In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don't appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged" -Holy Bible, Matthew 7:1
Don't mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.
Appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what's going on in the speaker;
peace cannot be built on the foundations of fear.
Peace requires something far more difficult than revenge or merely turning the other cheek; it requires empathizing with the fears and unmet needs that provide the impetus for people to attack each other. Being aware of these feelings and needs, people lose their desire to attack back because they can see the human ignorance leading to these attacks; instead, their goal becomes providing the empathic connection and education that will enable them to transcend their violence and engage in cooperative relationships.
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, help us hear the word 'no' without taking it as a rejection, revive lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.
Whether I praise or criticize someone's action, I imply that I am their judge, that I'm engaged in rating them or what they have done.
At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.
Get very clear about the kind of world we would like and then start living that way.
Regardless of our many differences, we all have the same needs. What differs is the strategy for fulfilling these needs.
Labeling and diagnosis is a catastrophic way to communicate. Telling other people what's wrong with them greatly reduces, almost to zero, the probability that we're going to get what we're after.
Life-Enriching Education: an education that prepares children to learn throughout their lives, relate well to others, and themselves, be creative, flexible, and venturesome, and have empathy not only for their immediate kin but for all of humankind.
The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy, which will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.
Learning is too precious to be motivated by coercive tactics.
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things 'because we're supposed to.
Often, instead of offering empathy, we have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling.
People have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people.
We are never angry because of what others say or do. It is our thinking that makes us angry.
In empathy, you don't speak at all. You speak with the eyes. You speak with your body. If you say any words at all, it's because you are not sure you are with the person. So you may say some words. But the words are not empathy. Empathy is when the other person feels the connection with what's alive in you.
If I'm using Nonviolent Communication I never, never, never hear what somebody thinks about me. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear the analysis.
Your presence is the most precious gift you can give to another human being.
All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.
Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
It's harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
Make your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also.
Natural Giving: Anything we do in life which is not out of that energy, we pay for and everybody else pays for. Anything we do to avoid punishment, everybody pays for. Everything we do for a reward, everybody pays for. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, or obligation, everybody pays for.
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis.
We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.
We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.
Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need.
Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. When I first read this statement, the thought, 'What nonsense!' shot through my mind before I realized that I had just made an evaluation.
When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I'm in a different world.
You can't make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn't made them wish they had.