There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Adam was but human-this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Youth, large, lusty, loving- Youth, full of grace, force, fascination. Do you know that Old Age may come after you with equal grace, force, fascination
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
Why shoudn't truth be stranger than fiction Fiction, after all, has to stick to the possibilities.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
When I was a child people simply looked about them and were moderately happy today they peer beyond the seven seas, bury themselves waist deep in tidings, and by and large what they see and hear makes them unutterably sad.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.