henny youngman Quotes

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.
tags: danger drinking reading read
— Henny Youngman
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
tags: thoughts afraid
— Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
— Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
— Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
— Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
tags: men live doctor
— Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
tags: men women
— Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
tags: evil drinking reading read
— Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
tags: right
— Henny Youngman
We aim to please... You aim too, please.
— Henny Youngman
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
tags: lost wife
— Henny Youngman
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
tags: men live true
— Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
— Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
tags: doctor
— Henny Youngman
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
tags: wife
— Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
tags: men doctor
— Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
tags: saying golf
— Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
tags: doctor
— Henny Youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
tags: conscience battle
— Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
tags: men
— Henny Youngman
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!
tags: men
— Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
tags: women night wrong
— Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
tags: secret marriage
— Henny Youngman
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
tags: time men help wife
— Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
tags: money
— Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
tags: atheist
— Henny Youngman
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
— Henny Youngman
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
tags: year
— Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
tags: sleep tomorrow sorry
— Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
tags: political
— Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
tags: time
— Henny Youngman
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
tags: men
— Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
tags: time secret people music marriage
— Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
tags: wrong wife
— Henny Youngman
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
tags: work
— Henny Youngman
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
tags: men
— Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
tags: men
— Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
tags: men women
— Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
tags: lost
— Henny Youngman
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman
henny youngman
Birth    : March 16, 1906
Death  : February 24, 1998
Occupation  : Comedian

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