When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
We aim to please... You aim too, please.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.