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    henny youngman Quotes

    When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: danger  drinking  reading  read 
     
    Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: thoughts  afraid 
     
    You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
    — Henny Youngman
    If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
    — Henny Youngman
    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
    — Henny Youngman
    A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men  live  doctor 
     
    A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men  women 
     
    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: evil  drinking  reading  read 
     
    My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: right 
     
    We aim to please... You aim too, please.
    — Henny Youngman
    My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: lost  wife 
     
    It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men  live  true 
     
    A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
    — Henny Youngman
    When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: doctor 
     
    Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: wife 
     
    A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men  doctor 
     
    I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: saying  golf 
     
    I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: doctor 
     
    When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: conscience  battle 
     
    A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men 
     
    A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men 
     
    Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: women  night  wrong 
     
    The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: secret  marriage 
     
    A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: time  men  help  wife 
     
    What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: money 
     
    I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: atheist 
     
    I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
    — Henny Youngman
    Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: year 
     
    If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: sleep  tomorrow  sorry 
     
    I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: political 
     
    Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: time 
     
    A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men 
     
    Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: time  secret  people  music  marriage 
     
    My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: wrong  wife 
     
    When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: work 
     
    A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men 
     
    A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men 
     
    This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: men  women 
     
    Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
    — Henny Youngman
    tags: lost 
     
    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    — Henny Youngman
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    henny youngman
    Birth    : March 16, 1906
    Death  : February 24, 1998
    Occupation  : Comedian