Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.
Women should be obscene, not heard.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.