groucho marx Quotes

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
tags: tomorrow
— Groucho Marx
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
tags: live mistakes learn
— Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
tags: friends dark dog book read
— Groucho Marx
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
tags: men women
— Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
tags: live marriage
— Groucho Marx
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
tags: men
— Groucho Marx
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
tags: hate prejudice
— Groucho Marx
Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
tags: poverty extreme
— Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
— Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard.
tags: women
— Groucho Marx
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
tags: care
— Groucho Marx
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
tags: men mind
— Groucho Marx
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
tags: animals cat path black
— Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
— Groucho Marx
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
tags: afraid
— Groucho Marx
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
tags: reality decent crazy
— Groucho Marx
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
tags: tears
— Groucho Marx
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
tags: marriage divorce
— Groucho Marx
I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.
— Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene, not heard.
tags: women
— Groucho Marx
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
tags: men women marry
— Groucho Marx
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
— Groucho Marx
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
tags: men
— Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
tags: men women successful wife
— Groucho Marx
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
tags: animals
— Groucho Marx
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
— Groucho Marx
Time wounds all heels.
tags: time
— Groucho Marx
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
tags: blessed
— Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
tags: live forever die
— Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
— Groucho Marx
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
tags: happiness misery money
— Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
tags: friends dark dog book read
— Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
tags: wrong politics
— Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
tags: money
— Groucho Marx
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
tags: time regret age year
— Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
tags: live marriage
— Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
— Groucho Marx
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
tags: time
— Groucho Marx
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
— Groucho Marx
groucho marx
Birth    : October 2, 1890
Death  : August 19, 1977
Occupation  : Comedian

Related Authors

Comedian
Stand-up comedian
Humorist
Comedian
Comedian
Comedian
Comedian
Comedian
Stand-up comedian
Comedian
Comedian
Comedian