george carlin Quotes

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
— George Carlin
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
— George Carlin
In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
— George Carlin
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
tags: time
— George Carlin
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
tags: people real school
— George Carlin
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
tags: smile rain
— George Carlin
There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
tags: sky
— George Carlin
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
tags: job
— George Carlin
Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
tags: children men people anger child
— George Carlin
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
tags: choice birth
— George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
— George Carlin
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
tags: men god
— George Carlin
Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
tags: truth afraid
— George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
tags: time people christian terrorism
— George Carlin
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance
tags: people dance
— George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
tags: jesus
— George Carlin
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
— George Carlin
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
tags: men personal jesus money
— George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
tags: hero
— George Carlin
Everything beeps now.
— George Carlin
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
tags: baseball
— George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
— George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
— George Carlin
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
tags: comedy movie romantic
— George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war?
— George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
tags: american
— George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
tags: wonder
— George Carlin
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
tags: future past
— George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
tags: night moon
— George Carlin
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
tags: bad
— George Carlin
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
tags: fight
— George Carlin
I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
tags: time adventure human gift race
— George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
tags: year
— George Carlin
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
— George Carlin
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
tags: belief thoughts shame atheist
— George Carlin
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
tags: powerful god money
— George Carlin
Life is tough, then you die.
tags: die
— George Carlin
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
— George Carlin
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
tags: heart
— George Carlin
What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
tags: age brain mind
— George Carlin
george carlin
Birth    : May 12, 1937
Death  : June 22, 2008
Occupation  : Comedian

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