Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
Always do whatever's next.
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
Life is tough, then you die.
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.