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    george carlin Quotes

    Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
    — George Carlin
    We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
    — George Carlin
    In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
    — George Carlin
    In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time 
     
    People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  real  school 
     
    Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
    — George Carlin
    tags: smile  rain 
     
    There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
    — George Carlin
    tags: sky 
     
    I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
    — George Carlin
    tags: job 
     
    Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
    — George Carlin
    tags: children  men  people  anger  child 
     
    Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
    — George Carlin
    tags: choice  birth 
     
    Always do whatever's next.
    — George Carlin
    The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
    — George Carlin
    tags: men  god 
     
    Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
    — George Carlin
    tags: truth  afraid 
     
    You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
    — George Carlin
    If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  dance 
     
    Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
    — George Carlin
    tags: jesus 
     
    Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
    — George Carlin
    I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
    — George Carlin
    tags: men  personal  jesus  money 
     
    As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
    — George Carlin
    tags: hero 
     
    Everything beeps now.
    — George Carlin
    If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
    — George Carlin
    tags: baseball 
     
    If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
    — George Carlin
    So far, this is the oldest I've been.
    — George Carlin
    If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
    — George Carlin
    tags: comedy  movie  romantic 
     
    How is it possible to have a civil war?
    — George Carlin
    The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
    — George Carlin
    tags: american 
     
    When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
    — George Carlin
    tags: wonder 
     
    The future will soon be a thing of the past.
    — George Carlin
    tags: future  past 
     
    There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
    — George Carlin
    tags: night  moon 
     
    It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
    — George Carlin
    tags: bad 
     
    You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
    — George Carlin
    tags: fight 
     
    I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time  adventure  human  gift  race 
     
    We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
    — George Carlin
    tags: year 
     
    How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
    — George Carlin
    For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
    — George Carlin
    As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
    — George Carlin
    tags: powerful  god  money 
     
    Life is tough, then you die.
    — George Carlin
    tags: die 
     
    Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
    — George Carlin
    Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
    — George Carlin
    tags: heart 
     
    What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
    — George Carlin
    tags: age  brain  mind 
     
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    george carlin
    Birth    : May 12, 1937
    Death  : June 22, 2008
    Occupation  : Comedian