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    george carlin Quotes

    In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
    — George Carlin
    tags: problem  america 
     
    Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time  people  work  dreams 
     
    "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
    — George Carlin
    tags: pain 
     
    Hooray for most things!
    — George Carlin
    A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
    — George Carlin
    tags: live 
     
    If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
    — George Carlin
    Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick
    — George Carlin
    tags: christian  worship 
     
    The status quo sucks.
    — George Carlin
    The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
    — George Carlin
    tags: tomorrow 
     
    Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
    — George Carlin
    tags: live  conservative 
     
    I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
    — George Carlin
    tags: fear 
     
    Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
    — George Carlin
    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    — George Carlin
    tags: doctor 
     
    Life is a near-death experience.
    — George Carlin
    tags: experience 
     
    Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
    — George Carlin
    You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
    — George Carlin
    If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  lost  mind  hope 
     
    A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?
    — George Carlin
    tags: law 
     
    I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
    — George Carlin
    Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
    — George Carlin
    tags: happiness 
     
    Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
    — George Carlin
    I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
    — George Carlin
    tags: money 
     
    And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National
    — George Carlin
    tags: time 
     
    There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
    — George Carlin
    tags: night  rain  dance 
     
    I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is.
    — George Carlin
    tags: wisdom 
     
    I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
    — George Carlin
    tags: ambition 
     
    Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
    — George Carlin
    tags: sleep  wrong  year 
     
    One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time 
     
    What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
    — George Carlin
    My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
    — George Carlin
    When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
    — George Carlin
    And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
    — George Carlin
    tags: food 
     
    I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
    — George Carlin
    tags: machine 
     
    Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people 
     
    We created god in our own image and likeness!
    — George Carlin
    tags: god 
     
    I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
    — George Carlin
    tags: trust  boys 
     
    When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
    — George Carlin
    tags: world  friends  believe  lost  america  war  black 
     
    If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.
    — George Carlin
    tags: control  problem  god  quality 
     
    The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
    — George Carlin
    tags: reality 
     
    Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
    — George Carlin
    tags: people 
     
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    george carlin
    Birth    : May 12, 1937
    Death  : June 22, 2008
    Occupation  : Comedian