In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Life is a near-death experience.
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?
I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
We created god in our own image and likeness!
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards