george carlin Quotes

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
tags: problem america
— George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
tags: time people work dreams
— George Carlin
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
tags: pain
— George Carlin
Hooray for most things!
— George Carlin
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
tags: live
— George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
— George Carlin
Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick
tags: christian worship
— George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
— George Carlin
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
tags: tomorrow
— George Carlin
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
tags: live conservative
— George Carlin
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
tags: fear
— George Carlin
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
— George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
tags: doctor
— George Carlin
Life is a near-death experience.
tags: experience
— George Carlin
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
— George Carlin
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
— George Carlin
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
tags: people lost mind hope
— George Carlin
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?
tags: law
— George Carlin
I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
— George Carlin
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
tags: happiness
— George Carlin
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
— George Carlin
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
tags: money
— George Carlin
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National
tags: time
— George Carlin
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
tags: night rain dance
— George Carlin
I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is.
tags: wisdom
— George Carlin
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
tags: ambition
— George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
tags: sleep wrong year
— George Carlin
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
tags: time
— George Carlin
What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
— George Carlin
My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
tags: believe government
— George Carlin
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
— George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
tags: food
— George Carlin
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
tags: machine
— George Carlin
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
tags: people
— George Carlin
We created god in our own image and likeness!
tags: god
— George Carlin
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
tags: trust boys
— George Carlin
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
tags: world friends believe lost america war black
— George Carlin
If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.
tags: control problem god quality
— George Carlin
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
tags: reality
— George Carlin
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
tags: people
— George Carlin
george carlin
Birth    : May 12, 1937
Death  : June 22, 2008
Occupation  : Comedian

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