There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."
What year did Jesus think it was?
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?
All music is the blues. All of it.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.
"No comment" is a comment.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
Life is a series of dogs.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?