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    george carlin Quotes

    One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
    — George Carlin
    Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
    — George Carlin
    The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.
    — George Carlin
    You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time  people  past  right  year 
     
    Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    — George Carlin
    tags: peace  fighting 
     
    I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
    — George Carlin
    People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  sleep  gone 
     
    One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  friends  murder  victim 
     
    I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
    — George Carlin
    With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
    — George Carlin
    tags: evil  genius 
     
    The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
    — George Carlin
    The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
    — George Carlin
    tags: work  butterfly 
     
    Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
    — George Carlin
    tags: true  right 
     
    No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
    — George Carlin
    tags: improvement  care  race 
     
    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    — George Carlin
    tags: world 
     
    I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
    — George Carlin
    That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
    — George Carlin
    tags: believe  dreams  american 
     
    Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  eyes  universe 
     
    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  bible  thinking  read 
     
    Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
    — George Carlin
    tags: body  hunger 
     
    Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
    — George Carlin
    tags: meaning 
     
    More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  god 
     
    The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
    — George Carlin
    I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
    — George Carlin
    A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
    — George Carlin
    May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    — George Carlin
    tags: evil 
     
    The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.
    — George Carlin
    tags: experience  human  ideas 
     
    The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  society  lazy 
     
    Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
    — George Carlin
    What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    — George Carlin
    Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
    — George Carlin
    tags: world  comedy 
     
    It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
    — George Carlin
    tags: logic 
     
    That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
    — George Carlin
    tags: meaning 
     
    Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
    — George Carlin
    tags: giving  church  money 
     
    When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
    — George Carlin
    tags: movie  kids 
     
    I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
    — George Carlin
    tags: death  church  ideas 
     
    Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
    — George Carlin
    tags: scientist 
     
    Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
    — George Carlin
    tags: sell 
     
    Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
    — George Carlin
    tags: time  people  work 
     
    People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  missing 
     
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    george carlin
    Birth    : May 12, 1937
    Death  : June 22, 2008
    Occupation  : Comedian