One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.