george carlin Quotes

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
tags: flowers
— George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
tags: people
— George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
— George Carlin
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.
tags: live
— George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
tags: people believe authority
— George Carlin
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
tags: school
— George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
tags: people existence fire job
— George Carlin
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
tags: help
— George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
tags: hell
— George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
tags: people
— George Carlin
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
tags: impossible
— George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
— George Carlin
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
tags: people wonder
— George Carlin
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.
tags: people hate fight eyes song universe
— George Carlin
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
tags: work
— George Carlin
Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!
tags: people live right harmony jesus
— George Carlin
Don't just teach your children to read" Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
tags: children child questions read
— George Carlin
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
tags: people ideas
— George Carlin
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
tags: cat dog god
— George Carlin
A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.
tags: people society anger human value intelligence
— George Carlin
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
tags: leader
— George Carlin
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
— George Carlin
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
tags: living hate value read year smoke
— George Carlin
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
tags: media
— George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
tags: people power
— George Carlin
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
tags: work environment real
— George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
tags: america
— George Carlin
Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
tags: enemies world enemy god pray military america
— George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are f****d.
tags: people
— George Carlin
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
tags: choice illusion political company
— George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
tags: dark
— George Carlin
I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.
tags: american
— George Carlin
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
tags: children achievement child parent
— George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
tags: sell
— George Carlin
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
tags: die property
— George Carlin
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
tags: help
— George Carlin
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
tags: painting fools
— George Carlin
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
tags: black
— George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
— George Carlin
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
tags: men memory wise
— George Carlin
george carlin
Birth    : May 12, 1937
Death  : June 22, 2008
Occupation  : Comedian