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    george carlin Quotes

    I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
    — George Carlin
    tags: flowers 
     
    The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people 
     
    The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
    — George Carlin
    A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.
    — George Carlin
    tags: live 
     
    I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
    — George Carlin
    Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
    — George Carlin
    tags: school 
     
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  existence  fire  job 
     
    It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
    — George Carlin
    tags: help 
     
    I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
    — George Carlin
    tags: hell 
     
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people 
     
    Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
    — George Carlin
    tags: impossible 
     
    Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
    — George Carlin
    Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  wonder 
     
    People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  hate  fight  eyes  song  universe 
     
    If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
    — George Carlin
    tags: work 
     
    Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  live  right  harmony  jesus 
     
    Don't just teach your children to read" Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
    — George Carlin
    Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  ideas 
     
    Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
    — George Carlin
    tags: cat  dog  god 
     
    A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.
    — George Carlin
    If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
    — George Carlin
    tags: leader 
     
    There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
    — George Carlin
    We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
    — George Carlin
    tags: living  hate  value  read  year  smoke 
     
    All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
    — George Carlin
    tags: media 
     
    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people  power 
     
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
    — George Carlin
    tags: work  environment  real 
     
    When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
    — George Carlin
    tags: america 
     
    Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
    — George Carlin
    tags: enemies  world  enemy  god  pray  military  america 
     
    The planet is fine. The people are f****d.
    — George Carlin
    tags: people 
     
    The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
    — George Carlin
    Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
    — George Carlin
    tags: dark 
     
    I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.
    — George Carlin
    tags: american 
     
    Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
    — George Carlin
    I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
    — George Carlin
    tags: sell 
     
    Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
    — George Carlin
    tags: die  property 
     
    Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
    — George Carlin
    tags: help 
     
    If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
    — George Carlin
    tags: painting  fools 
     
    If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    — George Carlin
    tags: black 
     
    I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
    — George Carlin
    The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
    — George Carlin
    tags: men  memory  wise 
     
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    george carlin
    Birth    : May 12, 1937
    Death  : June 22, 2008
    Occupation  : Comedian