No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
I get a standing ovation just standing
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.
I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.