How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'