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    emo philips Quotes

    How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand
    — Emo Philips
    tags: people 
     
    I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: friends  kids 
     
    I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
    — Emo Philips
    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: school  money  appreciate 
     
    Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
    — Emo Philips
    Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: worth 
     
    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: chess  computer 
     
    I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: body  brain 
     
    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: work  forgiveness  god 
     
    My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
    — Emo Philips
    England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: england 
     
    I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: lost  gay 
     
    My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
    — Emo Philips
    Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
    — Emo Philips
    Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: speech 
     
    I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
    — Emo Philips
    tags: men  wife 
     
    My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
    — Emo Philips
    My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: sex  mother 
     
    I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: lover 
     
    When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
    — Emo Philips
    I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: conscious  night  girls 
     
    I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
    — Emo Philips
    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: work  night  pray  kids 
     
    How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: people 
     
    Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: worth 
     
    Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: time  devil 
     
    People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: people 
     
    I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: children  child 
     
    I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: children  child 
     
    The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: evil 
     
    I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: lessons  lost 
     
    I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: men  pain  real 
     
    I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
    — Emo Philips
    tags: time  fight  sorry 
     
    In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: school 
     
    He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: smile  help 
     
    Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
    — Emo Philips
    tags: children  child 
     
    People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: people 
     
    I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
    — Emo Philips
    tags: night 
     
    I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
    — Emo Philips
    I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
    — Emo Philips
    tags: father  marry 
     
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    emo philips
    Birth    : February 7, 1956
    Occupation  : Entertainer