•   Loading... Please wait
  • Search
      Authors  

    doug benson Quotes

    I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: men  lying 
     
    The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: girls  lying  sex 
     
    You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: work  positive 
     
    Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: society  reading 
     
    The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.
    — Doug Benson
    I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at all when I'm high, but that's a constant. The thing that changes when I'm high is I am happier, and I'm not good with numbers.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: people  value  morals 
     
    The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: hate 
     
    Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.
    — Doug Benson
    We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
    — Doug Benson
    I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: crazy  money 
     
    The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: past  movie  genius 
     
    In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
    — Doug Benson
    You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: night 
     
    Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: comedy  business 
     
    Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: cat 
     
    A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: parent  kids 
     
    People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: people  lazy  eyes 
     
    I get a message from Stephen Falk saying, "Hey, if I wrote a part for you in You're The Worst, would you do it?" I was like, "Yes!" And then, of course, later I found out it's going to be me playing myself sort of Larry Sanders-style where I'm the total opposite of what people would expect me to be. I was just like, "Okay, what the hell." But it's really funny to portray me as somebody who is pretending to be a stoner just to succeed.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: people  funny  saying 
     
    Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: men  women 
     
    Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
    — Doug Benson
    tags: tomorrow 
     
    LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
    — Doug Benson
    Fortunately, most of my friends in comedy that smoke pot are almost as open about it as I am, and in some cases more so. But most that appear, it's more about friendship with me than making some statement about pot. I'm sure those of my friends who are onscreen smoking might have a little regret, but there's not too much of it.
    — Doug Benson
    Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
    — Doug Benson
    tags: smoke 
     
    I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''
    — Doug Benson
    tags: dog 
     
    No one really needs to defend drinking. That's something that frustrates me as a comic: I have to play clubs where selling booze runs the business, so crowds get drunk and yell out a bunch of stupid stuff at me.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: drinking  business 
     
    P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: hell  running 
     
    J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: music 
     
    Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: people  smile  example 
     
    [Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: friends  fun 
     
    A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me, I would up my pot consumption just to make that happen.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: animals  people  dog  smoke 
     
    I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: games 
     
    I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: funny  patience  saying 
     
    If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: money  gambling 
     
    Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: time  people  hell 
     
    That's the interesting part of being a judge to me - I don't even care about these people's fights that they're having with each other, but I have to invest in it enough to figure out. I have to make a decision.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: decision  fight  care  invest 
     
    A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: friends 
     
    Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: acceptance  speech  rhyme 
     
    Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: genius  money 
     
    There's a lust to get on TV.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: lust 
     
    It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
    — Doug Benson
    tags: comedy  saying 
     
  •   Loading... Please wait
  • Search

    Related Authors