Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences-accuse each other of cheating.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Reading... a vacation for the mind....
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
It is a well- documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears- of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.
The best baby- sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.