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    craig kilborn Quotes

    In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: world  human  bad  scientist  year 
     
    Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.
    — Craig Kilborn
    While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.
    — Craig Kilborn
    If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: wrong  loving 
     
    A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness... from all the free drinks.
    — Craig Kilborn
    As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: fighting  war  money  congress 
     
    Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: seeing 
     
    I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: mankind 
     
    Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: people  year  sorry 
     
    I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: lifestyle 
     
    It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: problem  healthy  machine 
     
    Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: writing  book  marriage 
     
    President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: job  bad  victory  war  positive  economics 
     
    President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: human  saying  war 
     
    Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: night  saying  broken 
     
    I have a wonderful respect for old people.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: people  respect 
     
    I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.
    — Craig Kilborn
    People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.
    — Craig Kilborn
    I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: right 
     
    Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: men  successful  dog  stories 
     
    Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
    — Craig Kilborn
    A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: college 
     
    President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: intelligence 
     
    Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: people  alone 
     
    Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.
    — Craig Kilborn
    Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: dark 
     
    George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17
    — Craig Kilborn
    On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.
    — Craig Kilborn
    Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?
    — Craig Kilborn
    In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.
    — Craig Kilborn
    In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: seeing 
     
    There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: job 
     
    Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question - 'Do I live here?'
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: women  live  questions 
     
    Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: running  goal 
     
    Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: justice  lying  congress  year 
     
    Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: authority  trading  year 
     
    As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: fighting  summer  reading 
     
    Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: crimes  war 
     
    President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.
    — Craig Kilborn
    tags: men  moon 
     
    With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.
    — Craig Kilborn
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