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    craig ferguson Quotes

    I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: reading  book 
     
    That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: evil  company 
     
    The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: gift 
     
    The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: tax 
     
    I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: fashion  believe  comedy  games 
     
    Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: chance  laughter  despair 
     
    The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: time  book 
     
    I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
    — Craig Ferguson
    If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: work 
     
    An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: time 
     
    I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: adventure 
     
    It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
    — Craig Ferguson
    I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: truth  wrong 
     
    A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: adult  congress 
     
    This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: lies  true  religious  stories 
     
    ...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"
    — Craig Ferguson
    Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
    — Craig Ferguson
    These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: kids 
     
    I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: star  movie  parent 
     
    It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: time  year 
     
    Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: health  care  year 
     
    It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: desires  time  law  worship  satan 
     
    I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: misery 
     
    Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: madness 
     
    I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: human 
     
    I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
    — Craig Ferguson
    ....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: fear  fun  saying  attention  god 
     
    Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: spiritual 
     
    Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: law  rules  physics 
     
    The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: choice 
     
    The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
    — Craig Ferguson
    Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: job 
     
    I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
    — Craig Ferguson
    I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: christmas  money 
     
    Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
    — Craig Ferguson
    When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: money 
     
    Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
    — Craig Ferguson
    Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: care  birth 
     
    I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: risk  alcohol  worth 
     
    Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
    — Craig Ferguson
    tags: appreciate 
     
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