And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.
In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.
If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
gray hair is gods graffiti
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything -even poverty- you can survive it.
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... 'And we wish you Godspeed.' It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
Parents are not quite interested injustice, they are interested in quiet.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.